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Tuesday, January 19, 2010

The end of life as I knew it!

Hello! Here I come, again, with one of my 'returns to the blogosphere', and with the intention of making this one a comparatively more permanent kind. I've got to confess that's its all been sheer laziness all this while. I'd be lying if I say I was never inspired enough to sit in front of the screen and type. Its the contrary, truth be told. I've probably never been as inspired as I've been in the past six months. I've felt elated on some occasions, moved on others, hysterically ecstatic sometimes. And in the same breath, I must add that I've maneuvered through some of the most abysmal emotional lows. All very capable triggers of inspiration, and imagination.

Today, as I remember it all, I find plenty of things I could write about. But then I'm completely blank the very next moment. I guess that happens when there's too much to pour, and too small an outlet. And with this six-month-full database of moments, each moment brimming with 'memories-dreams-imaginations-emotions-and-what-nots', and with this limited capacity to express, I feel handicapped. I'm forced to think that maybe it was not just laziness. Maybe it was this handicap that's been preventing me from blogging all this while. Maybe this handicap is what has left me speechless.

Tell me. Aren't you left speechless when you look back at your life, and realize that for a good twenty years of your life, everything appeared meaningless to you, and then suddenly just when you're turning twenty-one, everything starts falling into place, in a perfectly meaningful scheme of things? Doesn't it amaze you when you feel yourself waking up from an ignorant slumber, replacing the imposter that had been charade-ing your existence all your life? How do you bring yourself to give vent to it all? Or, let us paraphrase it in a more profound manner:

If you were BORN with an absolute capacity to communicate perfectly in all manners possible for a human, and with the level of consciousness, intelligence, cognition and emotional ripeness of a twenty-one-year-old, what would be your first words? Or even first thoughts? And what'd it be that you'd want to communicate the most?

Now, as obscure as it may sound, expressing myself right now would be a good approximation to sketching the practical extrapolation of the philosophical speculation in the italics above. From nothingness, to the highest form of consciousness, this other me has not taken too long a time. There's less clarity, and a lot of incomprehensibility, and describability. Its easier to talk in images, because images have tentacles that protrude in all directions and dimensions, and thus can express even the things that remain to be comprehended. Like a record playing a symphony.

Talking of images, there are a few that have found permanent foothold for themselves in my mind. A noisy steamer bubbling with people, a windy summer evening, a majestic river bridge, a riotous river stretching almost as far as one's vision can reach, scintillating city lights all around- neither too close nor too far. Nice setting, ain't it? Let us get the details in.

The steamer ride from Fairley Place to the Howrah Railway station sometime back is one image that fails to escape the bastion of my reminiscences. It was beautiful with the vessel cutting through the voluminous Hooghly below, and the Howrah Bridge glowing a delightful yellow at a distance. The cool wind was caressing my hair incessantly, relieving me of the tortures the day temperature, and a few other things, had showered upon me. It seemed to me as if the copper evening was making love to the world around me. The day had been one of the most unfortunate ones one could ever wish for.. But somehow the approaching night seemed to hold great promise of a gorgeous morning gestating inside its belly. I like to think of that tiny journey as being symbolic of the transition I was going through. From nothingness to being. From despair to joy. From slumber to awakening. From the nonsensical to the meaningful. From the life(or maybe, the absence of it) I had all my life.. to the life I was about to have for the rest of my life.

Coming to the philosophical question we pondered on again, I think my first word would be 'Wow' or any of its synonymous expressions, single-worded or otherwise. The first thought would be that of gratitude, albeit towards no-one, or nothing in particular. And I suppose I'd be dying to communicate to the audience, how I find this thing called life that I have inherited, or acquired or whatever, so darn exciting, and so beautiful!

I bring that image back on, and reminisce across it once again. It appears even more heartwarming than on the previous occasion. It refuses to wane or wither, no matter how many times, and for how long I think about it. I wonder what is it about it that makes it linger on. I wonder why it makes me say 'Wow' to myself. I wonder why I feel grateful for having had those moments. And I wonder why I so wanted to communicate this to all of you who read my blog, or are going to read it!

Going through the reel again... Wait a minute. Have I told you about the girl who was standing by my side all the while on the steamer? Oh, I didn't?

Okay. Go back to the lines where I was telling you about the transition, and add this tiny li'l bit to the 'from-to' drift: From singlehood to coupledom! ;-)


chaitanya said...

clever guy...huh?? still ain't out of those difficult to be found infinitely running loop errors i guess... !!

anyways... sharing the same kind of semesters atleast i find this privilege of being out of touch whenever you are..the last 6 months being lazily hectic for both... i was really scared if maybe i had to burrow nearer to the screen for long..... but wow this wasnt that...

this was refreshing and simple... and the exact amount i could handle at this time of life when i have actually declared a hibernation too...

simplicity at its simplest
the casual nonchalance

you know if you are getting known someday... that will be for your bracketed texts... they make us pause... rethink... and we end up saying...
"was missing this option in my thought so carelessly....huh? "

...Abhiket+thoughts... said...

Allegory at its best.....

shadow said...

oh how life ,could open up to give fresh start ,to love ,share our lives as we both know and believed it should been ,I been trying get back to you ,

the days turned to months
now my heart weeps ,as I can't feel you ,near as always held .

I am scared

I never wanted ,you out my life ,Listen to many things ,you speak of me .

maybe I've loss

A Truth that beats with my own Heart ,will be

Two Fools that kept pushing each other away
Two fools ,that wouldn't pick up a phone ,or talk

two fools ,with a smile
Let go

rest our lives
those two fools
will always feel those beats of
"our hearts "

wiping away my Tears ,Screaming with my complete Soul to be Heard
I Love You

My Dreams ,you will always be ,maybe in life ,couldn't be together ,as I would gave

was no one that was there to Listen

Was always there ,to fix me

Was none that accepted ,after hearing truth

there was many that was there to Judge

As ,it must of seemed ,my heart ,felt nothing

as must seemed things I done ,was heartless

dreams ,you shall be ,with me that ,holds no judging ,only accepting ,with love ,we always knew

Pray ,
You hear my Heart
Hear my Prayer
washed with tears

"My macrocosm" said...

'The end of life as I knew it' with an exclamation mark...! Well this is why turning 21 could make you say wow... I wonder how did the missing link look as she holds a lot many promises..really! The way you seem to be talking of life's end and yet acknowledging that 'you knew it' shows you were ready to die. I am ready to die too because of some transition,'The Transition' which seems to bring words into void,but you know Phoenix,take care you don't really die and rise from the ashes. This time try not to be a phoenix for your spiritual health..FLY!!

Love is a bug.Eats you alive and one says I am ready to die...

"My macrocosm" said...

My blog has awaited for an offspring since long who was a frequent visitor some time back and we used to have tea and biscuits and a couple of fags u see some smoky memory of ur past visits